Oh, My Soul Hungered

Sometimes our beliefs move us to accomplish great and beautiful things, and other times our beliefs move us to sink lower than we ever thought possible. I made a promise to myself that I would be completely honest and transparent when writing this blog. So friends, these are my "beliefs ablaze."
On Friday as I was working, I gave up on myself. I completely lost all hope in my ability, in my strength, and in my potential. I surrendered to the thought that I am a total and complete failure in every respect. Worthless, hopeless, pathetic. Heavenly Father showers me with blessings and opportunities, and I screw them all up. My efforts are never enough. Yes, as humiliating as it is to admit, this is how I felt. However, something somewhere inside of me wouldn't let me quit. Darn that thing. I couldn't stop walking; for a time I continued to knock on doors although tears would swell in my eyes during each pitch. After completely losing it on a stranger's porch (luckily no one was home) I decided that it wasn't a good idea for me to keep working in this condition. So I thought

"fine, I'm done. I quit. I can't do this anymore. Clearly, I suck! I'm not strong enough for this. I can't handle anymore failure." 

But again, that darn "thing" inside of me wouldn't let me sit on a curb and throw my binder to the ground. So instead, I walked aimlessly as I cried. My next thought was

"well then, if I can't stop walking, I can at least call my manager and ask him to send me home."

But I couldn't do it. Eventually, my body became so weak that I had to sit down to avoid blacking out. I can only imagine how sad and pathetic I looked from the outside. Disgusted with myself, I silently asked 

"why won't you let me quit, Father?" 

Then some words of my own prayer came into my mind. Back in March I had pleaded with Heavenly Father

"I want my testimony of Jesus Christ to be the core of who I am. Father, I want my faith in Jesus Christ to fill my heart, enlighten my mind, and shine through my very being; to be the governing influence of every thought, word, and action. I want to be a disciple of Jesus Christ in every aspect. I want to know with a surety that He is real, He lives, and that He is my personal Savior."

Wow, I never thought the answer to my prayer would come like this. My idea was to study the scriptures more diligently and then my faith and testimony would increase in that way. Apparently, direct and personal application of the atonement is the way that Heavenly Father wants me to learn. The atonement of Jesus Christ is not a new concept for me. I've used it countless times in my life prior to this summer-just about every day. But never before have I been so acutely aware of my sole dependence on Jesus Christ. I am literally nothing without him. Never before in my life have I been so utterly revolted by my self. So much so, that I'm struggling to even believe that I am worth it. At this time, all I can pray for is hope. There's so much more to this story that I'm leaving out, but it sickens me to post more dark and depressing things online. Maybe at a future time I'll write more about the internal personal hell I'm going through. But for now, I'll leave you with a song/video that describes my current feelings perfectly.

Angels

Sometimes I see them, my angels. Almost like a gust of wind, or a strand of hair passing by. But I know what they really are. I've seen these "things" my entire life, but never accredited them to be angels. I'd be driving and out of the corner of my eye, I could see someone in the passenger seat next to me. I'd look, and of course the seat was empty. I never thought I was seeing angels until coming here to WA. Now I see them at least three times a day. They're in cars, down the street, by my side, around the corner. Yesterday for example, I was feeling especially desperate and discouraged. It was past pick-up time but I wanted to continue knocking because I hadn't made a sale yet. I didn't want to give up until I closed a sale. However, my speech was getting slower, along with my feet, and I knew my chances of getting one were about zero. My emotional, mental, and physical capacities were close to extinct.The words of Christ whispered into my ears "My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?" I dropped my head down, completely ashamed of myself for thinking that. "Who do you think you are, Andrea?" Then I saw a man watching me. He was standing six feet ahead of me, under a tree. "I can't have anyone catch me looking discouraged." I thought. My eyes shot up so I could send him a successful, professional smile. But when I looked, no one was in sight-there was nothing but trees, sidewalk, and houses in front of me. My heart swelled and I knew without a doubt that he was one of my angels. With tears and a smile I gazed up toward heaven and said humbly "thank you for sending angels. I can do this." Although I butchered each and every door approach I delivered for the rest of the day, I can proudly say that I never gave up. Angels were there to give me strength in my every foot step.

It's a Wonderful Life

Today was such a fabulous day, nothing in the world could bring me down. All I want to do is break out into song "WOOAAAAHHHHHHH sometimes I get a good FEELING yeeeaaaahhhhh. I get a feeling that I never never never never had before, no no. I get a good feeling. yeah"
I can not say this enough times: I would not be here if I did not have faith in Jesus Christ. Knocking door to door and facing rejection/failure every day is excruciatingly difficult. Doing something completely out of my comfort zone and against my nature is close to impossible. I know that eventually, I'll be able to do this well, but right now I am really struggling. I can't wait to be good at this. I've never been satisfied with mediocrity; especially when it comes to myself. I want to be the best. I hate not being the best, and it pains me to be weak. I know I need to be patient with myself because this is my first year doing this, but my tank of patience has been empty for days.
Especially when I spend an HOUR with someone, give them the greatest deal of their lifetime, for the best product on the market, and yet they STILL WON'T COMMIT! Yes, I'm frustrated. But I know I can do this! I will make another sale!
I've discovered that I'm really weepy when I'm stressed. I tear up all the time, either because I'm discouraged, or because I'm filled with hope. I'm a nut-case.
I'm so freaking happy that it's sunny this week! I LOVE sunshine! Rain is great, but sunshine is the BEST!
Goals suck. I hate them. Goals make me want to kick something because I can't reach any of my goals.
I love the atonement and the power, strength, comfort, and healing that flows from it. I love this massive, ominous trial that is forcing me to rely wholly on Jesus Christ every minute of the day. My plan for this job was to make lots of money to pay for school without getting into debt. Apparently, Heavenly Father has different plans for me. But that's okay. I need to remind myself each morning to forsake my will and trust that His will is always far better than my own.
Life is so painfully wonderful.

Whirlwind

This post is SUPER OUTDATED. Sorry, I forgot to post this after I finished writing it.

Whirlwind.
That's the best word I can come up with to describe my Provo experience. I went through all sorts of emotions, met all kinds of people, and discovered so many new things about myself. Things like: I really hate television, and if I don't leave the house at least twice a day, I go insane. Another shocking new discovery is that I enjoy taking out the trash. It's true, folks.
I can't believe this period of my life is over, and change is knocking on my door again. I have to keep reminding myself that I asked for this. Back in December, I was still in my adventurous mood, but now I'm in my "let's settle down and get comfortable" mood. Perfect time to switch things up, right?
My bedroom is making that awful echo sound that rooms only make when they're too empty because the people living there are either moving out, or haven't quite moved in yet. Both scenarios give me feelings of uneasiness. Bah.
Okay, so I know this is public, but if y'all don't mind, I'm going to write this post for my future self. There's some things I don't ever want to forget about these past few months.

This scripture a whole new significance in my life
"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven." Ecclesiastes 3:1

December needs it's own category because that was one of the most difficult months of my life.

Christmas sucked for these reasons:

• No family
• No Arizona
• No Opa
• No employment
• No family
• No Texas
• No Tradition
• No plan for the future
• No family

Christmas rocked for these reasons:

• The light of Christ
• Amy McDonald and her family, and their hospitality
• Growth
• Skype dates
• MTV's "Guy Code" offered some humor
• Time to write in my journal
• The friendship and laughter of children
• A goal piggy bank
• Spending time with 4 separate and equally amazing women whom I've missed intensely 
• Introspection
• "Win a Date with Tad Hamilton" allowed me to admire Josh Duhamel's beauty
• Reunion with my favorite show, Friends
• Dancing in the kitchen
• Sunshine gleaming through the windows and illuminating the house
• Snow, although there's been very little of it
• Running with one of my best friends
• Change
• A yummy pasta concoction
• Lots of home-baked goods
• Faith
• "Bittersweet" by Shauna Niequist 

Valuable lessons learned:
First of all, Andrea, you need men in your life. I thank the Lord that I'm going to be surrounded by a plethora of them this summer. Holy cow, living with 5 girls, while it is super fun, is also exhausting and dramatic. Like when you're having a mopey day, the last thing you need is a tenderhearted girl to pout her lips and say "aww, I'm sorry, are you having a bad day?" No, what you need is a lighthearted male to say "hey, come watch the game with me and listen to this funny thing that happened!" Home teachers, boyfriends, and even the pizza delivery guy can offer some much needed testosterone. However, women are incredible and they play a crucial, special role in my life. I love my sisters, roommates, and girlfriends dearly. My roommates have been the perfect dosage of love, laughter, and learning. I absolutely know that I needed to meet each of these amazing women. Miriam taught me not to settle, Analee taught me to be thankful, Ke'ala taught me to voice my beliefs, Brooke taught me to be loyal, and Jessica taught me to be patient. I thank the Lord every day for placing them in my life. Also, the women I've met through church have been angels and shining examples to me. I'm grateful to be a part of the Relief Society, because it has given me the specific opportunity to serve and care for three phenomenal sisters on a personal level.
It's okay to laugh and take life a little less seriously sometimes, especially when so many things in life are very much out of your control.
Taking a picture a day was one of my best ideas. Holy cow, if you ever need to be more grateful, or be more aware of Heavenly Father's presence in your life, take one picture a day.
Luke. Need I say more? Oh, yeah I do. Douche-bag...Yep, that's good.
I don't think it was a coincidence that Kayla and I seemed to be going through the same challenges, and struggling with the same issues at the exact same time, without fail, for the past 4ish months. She has been such a huge source of strength and comfort. Don't you ever take her for granted.
Oh and James, holy crap he is heaven sent. Andrea, you can't lose contact with him.
Hey, you are capable of opening your heart up and letting people in quickly. Stop fooling yourself: your heart is not under lock-down. In fact, it's painful to leave Provo because of that fact. Get rid of the nonsense in your head that says you're slow to trust and even slower to love. Actually, I think I've opened my heart up too fast a couple times while I've been here, and it has caused me a lot of heartache. But I don't regret it one bit. "Our hearts are like flowers. Both the dirt and the sunshine help it grow." I love to love.
Remember that special experience you had in Farmington? Well, these past few months have been evidence that Heavenly Father follows through with His promises when you fulfill your side of the deal. Opportunities to serve, bless, and inspire have been all around me. I'm grateful for the times I chose to "do the right thing, at the right time, without delay."
I'll forever cherish working alongside Analee to beautify Marilyn's front yard. Then admiring her house full of antiques and heirlooms.
Smoothies are the bomb. I'm going to miss Ke'ala's professional blender. I need to get one for myself! Oh, and bananas are required if you want the smoothie to be sweet.
To Do: Go back to Sundance. You love it there. But next time, maybe you should try snowboarding.
Being vulnerable is the most uncomfortable and difficult thing in the world, but it reaps the most rewarding benefits. Along with that, always hearken to every prompting. Everyone is struggling with their own battle each day. You never know how huge of an impact you can have on someone.
Being single sucks. Get over it.
My favorite lesson that I never want to forget from my time here in Provo is this: I complain too much, I constantly forget what's most important, I'm too quick to judge, I'm inconsistent, I procrastinate, I have a tendency towards depression, I'm an anal clean freak, and basically imperfect in every way. But that's exactly how Heavenly Father wants me. The atonement only works if I need it, and that's what it's there for. I know in whom I've trusted. Jesus Christ is my foundation and my Savior, and giving my heart to him is all that really matters.
Bring on the next adventure.

I love Seattle

Seattle, where have you been all my life? Okay, duh, in the same place you are now, but why haven't I discovered you until now? All my life, I wanted to live in a place as green as this, but I didn't think it could happen, until now! Seattle, you are gorgeous. First of all, the entrance into the city is one of the most incredible sights I have ever seen. As we drove over the nation's longest steel bridge, we were amazed. The sparkling water surrounded by green rolling hills, evergreen trees, and city landscape make for a stunning view. But then it gets even better. The University of Washington campus is the most beautiful thing I think I have ever seen. The architecture is creative, chic, and totally hipster. It's great. But then you've got the peaceful waterfront, and dynamic artwork, and classy restaurants, and colorful vegetation. It's marvelous. Seattle, you are definitely by far the cleanest, most earth friendly city I have ever visited. I did not see one piece of trash or litter anywhere! Not even under the bridges or near dumpsters! Everything is unusually clean! The street names are clever too :) oh but the people, holy hannah montana, the people of Seattle are the city's best feature! I have lived in Texas, I have lived in Utah, and never in my life have I met so many outrageously kind people! I am not exaggerating! Strangers smiled and waived, several people offered to take pictures for us, and no one honked at me when I clearly had no idea where I was going. Customer service was outstanding in every store I went to; even at 11pm! The waiter who served us at the restaurant today found out that we don't have a microwave so he offered to give us his extra one! Isn't that insanely nice? And some bum on the side of the street told us "excuse me ladies, I'm not going to ask you for money, but I do want to say that you're both very pretty." Awww people here are the best! In their exercise outfits, and eco-friendly cars, with their dogs and coffee mugs. I just love them.
Yep, this summer is going to be fantastic. I'm never leaving this wonderful place!

Life is Swell

I know my last post was about how much I love my life, but I'm just feeling SO MUCH LOVE recently and I gotta let it out! My thoughts are going to be completely random, and I'm just going to type as they come, so don't try to follow my logic, because there is none.
It's springtime. Officially. Oh my goodness I can't even CONTAIN my joy for warm weather, happy animals, and blooming vegetation! I love Spring! And I love Easter! And I love celebrating the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ! And I love listening to prophets speak to us during General Conference!!!! I LOVE IT!

I sang along with Analee as she played the piano this morning. What a harsh reality check! I haven't practiced singing in a long time, and it's apparent! Also, I am dying to take piano lessons...again. But that'll have to wait until fall. Hopefully my brain can handle 40+ hours of PTA school and music practice as well.
Oh, which reminds me, I had my interview with Provo College last week and it went really well! The Lord blessed me with one of those crazy deja vu experiences, that testified to me that I'm doing exactly what I should be doing. Over a year ago, I had a dream that I was in a counseling office talking to this woman about school, but I didn't know who she was, or what type of schooling we were talking about. It was a very random dream. Well, on Wednesday I lived it, in real life, and the Holy Ghost confirmed that PTA school at Provo College is exactly the right thing for me.
Kayli introduced me to blogilates a few days ago, THANK YOU!!! And I haven't gone a day without exercising since then. I love Casey's videos. She makes exercising fun, and her workouts are insanely killer. I know it's working because I am sore every day, the good kind of sore, that makes you want to work out harder. Sweating rocks!
I highly dislike wearing jewelry because it's uncomfortable, restricting, and plain annoying. However, I recently bought myself a CTR ring (stands for Choose The Right) and guess what, I love it! I swear that wearing this ring has made me a slightly better person. I still hold the opinion that rings are extremely uncomfortable, but having the constant reminder to always "choose the right" is worth the pain.
I went to The Festival of Colors, or "Holi" with Kayla and Heidi on Saturday. We had such a blast! My favorite part was dancing barefoot in the Hindu temple and singing along to whatever the heck they were saying :) Then of course, we had fun throwing colored chalk at ourselves, each other, and anyone who crossed our path. Although my lungs may still be coated in purple dust, it was so worth it!
I made my first sale on Saturday! I can do it guys! I can sell Security Systems!!!! YAY! I owe a lot of credit to my boss, Rob. He helped me out a TON because I didn't know what I was doing. I'm so grateful he was there to help me! It's going to be a great and difficult summer. I'm so pumped!
I just cooked the most delicious pasta I have ever tasted in my life. I feel proud. I made roasted broccoli and carrots with garlic, Parmesan cheese, and lemon. HOLY MACARONI it was heavenly. If I could eat this meal every day, I would!
I saw The Hunger Games yesterday! I cried when Rue died, and jumped when the giant pit-bull creature attacked Peeta haha I loved it. The movie was great, but that goes without saying that the book was far better.
At Smith's today, I literally "stopped and smelled the roses." There were all kinds of beautiful blooms of which I don't know the names, but they brought sunshine into my day. While I was there, an elderly man asked me why I like flowers so much, and he explained he was there picking out flowers for his wife because their wedding anniversary is tomorrow. He was so precious. I love talking to happy old people.
Side note: I'm in the middle of watching/laughing at the most ridiculously cheesy movie of all time called "A Warrior's Heart." Don't see it, unless you plan on making fun of it.
I bought a new hydration backpack so I'm all set to go hiking and exploring in the beautiful back country of Washington! Waaaa Hoooooo! I'm so excited. I already know that the only way I'm leaving and coming back to Provo is if someone threatens to take my life. ;) just kidding. It's not that I don't like Utah, it's that I already know I'm going to love Seattle.
And when I get back to Provo, I'm going to finally buy that bike that I've been dreaming of!
My visiting teacher/friend, Stephanie came to my rescue on Sunday when I was having a really hard time. I love her and I'm so grateful that I have a sister I can call on at any time to come running to my aid. She's such a sweetheart. Girlfriend chit-chats are so therapeutic sometimes.
I'm going Country Dancing on Wednesday night! YEeeeEEEeeee HaaaaaAAAaaaawwww!
I get to watch my roommate, Brooke, perform in a play tomorrow! She's majoring in elementary education, so this play is an adorable miniature one about penguins. How cute :) I'm excited to watch her! By the way, Brooke is simply incredible and I love her to pieces! Did I ever mention that we'll be living together in the fall?....that makes me feel like a lesbian to say that, but that's not the case :) I'm straight. But like I was saying, Brooke is awesome because she makes me laugh, and she understands me better than most people, and she's super down to earth. I'm definitely going to miss her when she flies off to New Zealand!
My hair is finally long enough to be put in a ponytail on top of my head like a palm-tree :) score.
Tara just shared a scrumptious Raspberry Lemonade bar with me! She's a doll. And her baking skills are spectacular. Now I need to go for a run and burn off this sugar high!!!
It's funny how we make all these plans for our lives and none of them ever seem to go our way. EVER. But I absolutely know that what Heavenly Father has planned for me is far better than anything I could possibly imagine. So I'll take it.
Life is wonderful!!!

I LOVE MY LIFE

I love my life because it is filled with goodness, love, happiness, challenges, adventure, creativity, blessings, and God. I'm so happy and I feel like listing some things that I'm grateful for, in no particular order. Why? because I love lists and I love how gratitude changes my attitude. Here's some reasons why I LOVE my life:

*Side note that kinda relates* My interview with Provo College is scheduled for the 21st and I'm nervous. Wish me luck! I hate that expression, because I don't believe in luck...so hope good things will come my way! I'm grateful for this opportunity to possibly go to school for a PTA degree. I love feeling like I have direction, but is it completely pathetic that a two year commitment to school freaks me out!? I'll answer that question, yes, it's pathetic. But once I know it's the right thing to do I won't be afraid. 

ANYWAYS, back on topic, Andrea.

So, some things on my mind that I'm grateful for:

~Photographs

~Whose Line is it Anyway

~Health, strength, and physical capability

~Our apartment quote board. Hilarious!

~Fruits and veggies

~The companionship of The Holy Ghost

~Road trips. And the protection I'm guarded with on road trips.

~Repentance

~Feeding people and watching them enjoy it :)

~The power of positive thinking

~Building trust, friendship, and confidence with people I care about

~Music, the good quality kind that lifts your soul

~Crushing on boys, like I'm back in elementary school. LOVE it.

~Learning TONS at institute on Thursdays

~A savings account

~People who make me laugh

~Heavenly Father's investment in my life

~Flowers

~Contacts and glasses

~Sushi. Oh I'm so looking forward to eating fresh sushi in Seattle!

~Life after physical death

~A warm bed, and sleeping for 8 hours

~My friends and sister are in love and everyone is getting married!!! Love makes me so so happy.

~Vegas!

~Confidence and self-respect

~My family. I miss them always.

~The Ensign Magazine, and modern revelation, and President Monson

~Flushing toilets

~Precious, adorable little kids

~Answered prayers

~My car

~Exercising. "I hate it, but I love it!"

~True Home Security. Next time a salesman is at my door, I'm inviting them in for water and a potty break.

~The opportunity to pay tithing

~Thrift stores

~My roommates. They're so awesome.

~Going to the temple

~Smoothies.mmmm. need I say more?

~Indexing for family history research

~Blogging rocks.

~Girlfriends. Ah! I love my girlfriends!

~The Book of Mormon

~Change, progress, wisdom, and hope

~Nightgowns. Super comfortable, and girly...as long as you stay away from the Grandma ones. 

~Visiting Teaching, and doing the work of the Lord

~Laughter, smiles, chuckles, and giggles

~Sunshine

I love my life so much