Oh, My Soul Hungered

Sometimes our beliefs move us to accomplish great and beautiful things, and other times our beliefs move us to sink lower than we ever thought possible. I made a promise to myself that I would be completely honest and transparent when writing this blog. So friends, these are my "beliefs ablaze."
On Friday as I was working, I gave up on myself. I completely lost all hope in my ability, in my strength, and in my potential. I surrendered to the thought that I am a total and complete failure in every respect. Worthless, hopeless, pathetic. Heavenly Father showers me with blessings and opportunities, and I screw them all up. My efforts are never enough. Yes, as humiliating as it is to admit, this is how I felt. However, something somewhere inside of me wouldn't let me quit. Darn that thing. I couldn't stop walking; for a time I continued to knock on doors although tears would swell in my eyes during each pitch. After completely losing it on a stranger's porch (luckily no one was home) I decided that it wasn't a good idea for me to keep working in this condition. So I thought

"fine, I'm done. I quit. I can't do this anymore. Clearly, I suck! I'm not strong enough for this. I can't handle anymore failure." 

But again, that darn "thing" inside of me wouldn't let me sit on a curb and throw my binder to the ground. So instead, I walked aimlessly as I cried. My next thought was

"well then, if I can't stop walking, I can at least call my manager and ask him to send me home."

But I couldn't do it. Eventually, my body became so weak that I had to sit down to avoid blacking out. I can only imagine how sad and pathetic I looked from the outside. Disgusted with myself, I silently asked 

"why won't you let me quit, Father?" 

Then some words of my own prayer came into my mind. Back in March I had pleaded with Heavenly Father

"I want my testimony of Jesus Christ to be the core of who I am. Father, I want my faith in Jesus Christ to fill my heart, enlighten my mind, and shine through my very being; to be the governing influence of every thought, word, and action. I want to be a disciple of Jesus Christ in every aspect. I want to know with a surety that He is real, He lives, and that He is my personal Savior."

Wow, I never thought the answer to my prayer would come like this. My idea was to study the scriptures more diligently and then my faith and testimony would increase in that way. Apparently, direct and personal application of the atonement is the way that Heavenly Father wants me to learn. The atonement of Jesus Christ is not a new concept for me. I've used it countless times in my life prior to this summer-just about every day. But never before have I been so acutely aware of my sole dependence on Jesus Christ. I am literally nothing without him. Never before in my life have I been so utterly revolted by my self. So much so, that I'm struggling to even believe that I am worth it. At this time, all I can pray for is hope. There's so much more to this story that I'm leaving out, but it sickens me to post more dark and depressing things online. Maybe at a future time I'll write more about the internal personal hell I'm going through. But for now, I'll leave you with a song/video that describes my current feelings perfectly.