What Matters Most

I know I only have four followers, but to you four I ask you to please tell your loved ones how you feel about them, regardless of how long or short it has been since you last did so.

They need to hear it, and you need to express it.

My thoughts and prayers are with my Opa tonight. I received tragic news that doctors have found stage 4 cancer cells in his liver that have spread to his brain. Needless to say, his time in mortality is coming to an end. Part of me wishes that he will soon be relieved from the pain and misery he's currently in. And another part of me, the selfish part, wants him to hang in there until all of my family members, including myself, can say goodbye. And then there's yet another selfish part of me that grieves knowing that my husband and children will never get to meet him. Since I was a little girl, I hoped that my family would be able to meet him, at least once. Maybe my children will be there to greet him when he passes to the next life?...that's a comforting thought.

I anxiously look forward to visiting the temple tomorrow, for that is where the veil between this world and the next is the thinnest. I've never experienced death this personally before, and it's going to take heaven's help to stay strong through this.

Opa is one of the most distinctive people I have ever known. He's stubborn as heck, pridefully opinionated, and passionate. One thing I love most about my Opa is his laugh. Not the belly laugh he exudes when he's baffled by someone's stupidity, and not the silent one he uses when he's laughing at something clever Oma said from the kitchen. I love his loving, lighthearted laugh that escapes from him when his granddaughter gently tugs at his heart-strings, but he's too manly and prideful to admit it. I'm beating myself up for never taking a video camera with me to California to capture his fiery personality and life stories forever. He likes food, cleanliness, debating, yard work, sports, consistency, and being right. I think he is quite remarkable. It's going to take missionaries as high strong as he is to convert him to the gospel...they'll probably have to be German.  

I love you, Opa, and I'll miss you; but I know that we will meet again.

Food for thought

My friend shared with me some things that her Economics teacher lectured about. I loved it, I thought it was gripping, and his advice supported my recent thoughts almost perfectly.

For happiness and self-fulfillment:
1. Fall in love with something. Find a subject, hobby, or interest you love and get passionate about it! Let yourself spend time and money on it, invest love into it.
2. Women- don't make sitting at home as a house-wife your goal. Pursue an education. Men- you want the mother of your children to be educated, because she's the one who will have the most influence on them.
3. Feed the hungry, visit the lonely, and clothe the naked.
4. Participate in regular community service.
5. Become learners, risk-takers, and adventure-seekers.
6. Give generously to charity funds.

I believe this professor is wise in his counsel. He is a father of seven children, an Economics professor at BYU, and a Church Educational System Instructor. He got a degree in Business Management or something boring like that, but while he was in college he fell in love with Medieval Architecture. What an interesting man.

SAT time

I was an idiot in high school and decided not to take the SAT or ACT to prepare for college. What was the point of spending money on a test that I didn't need to take? My "logic" was that I was going to be a Hairstylist for the rest of my life, so I didn't need to go to a college or university. 

WRONG.

Now that I've been out of high school for two years, I am DYING for some good-old-fashioned-sit-in-a-desk-and-listen-to-a-lecture education!!! Working and saving money for a year was mediocre, but I am literally aching to stretch my mind and expand my knowledge. This hunger to learn has become so intense that I actually enjoyed solving some sample SAT math questions the other day!
Miss Andrea "I hate math" S. actually treasured doing math!!!!
The problems were difficult and tedious for my left-dominant brain to process, but it felt so good. It's almost as if I could feel neural connections being awakened in my brain.
Oh if I could only be back in a classroom frantically scribbling notes again, if I could only go back to burying myself in text books, study guides and flashcards, if I could only experience the stress of Finals again! What do I have to give? I am willing to go knee-deep into debt for these things, I want them so intently.
In the future, I may regret saying this, but I don't care about getting a degree. I don't care about choosing the most job-applicable major. I just want to go to college! I want to learn!
So what's the first step toward a college education? The ominous SAT. I'll be taking it on January 28th-wish me luck! In the meantime, I'll be studying like a mad woman. If you need me, I'll be in the library :)

Blessings

Since I'm using this blog for many different purposes, this post is written more for my personal history than for anything else, so please don't think that I'm begging for a pity party- that's not what I want.

Last night and this morning I had a persistent feeling that my rejection email from Nauvoo Productions was coming soon. In actuality, ever since I mailed my audition DVD, I had a feeling I would receive a rejection email from them, but I continued to pray and tried to keep an open mind.

Lo and behold, two minutes upon waking up this morning, my phone went "la da ding ding ding" announcing that I have a new email. "There's my Nauvoo letter." I thought with confidence.

There was a big part of me that tensed up like a little kid on Christmas morning and I hoped that my feelings had been wrong, and I would be asked to audition again in Salt Lake. I quickly tapped my fancy smart phone to get to my inbox.

I realized that I had indeed been rejected when I read the following:

Dear Andrea,

Thanks so much for applying to be a Young Performing Missionary in Nauvoo, Illinois.  You are wonderfully talented, and we applaud your desire to use your talents in the service of the Lord.

This year Nauvoo Productions received close to 150 applications, from which we were able to select only 20 for the Summer 2012 mission.   As you can imagine, the selection process was extremely difficult. Although we’re not able to include you in this year’s group, we encourage you to consider applying again next year.

Thanks so much for your interest, and for your willingness to serve.

We wish you the very best!

Sincerely,

Elder and Sister Wortley

Nauvoo YPM Coordinators

My first reaction was of course disappointment. I wanted this more than....I've wanted most things. I can't put it into words. You'll just have to trust me when I say that my heart strongly desired to be a Young Performing Missionary in Nauvoo; serving the Lord and sharing the gospel through music. So much so, that I swallowed my pride and asked for help and prayers as needed. I wanted it bad enough to work and pray and practice. Something you have to know about me, is that I never ever practice. If I'm not performance ready the first time, then I give up. So the fact that I practiced for this audition is proof that I truly wanted to make it with all of my heart. So I was disappointed, but that feeling didn't last long because it was immediately replaced with fruits of the Holy Spirit: hope, peace, and love.

My next thought was "darn, now I have to share this with everyone like I promised." But I couldn't do that until I expressed my gratitude in a fervent prayer, because that's what this whole shebang has been about.

You see folks, what I doubtlessly want to share, what really matters here is that God lives. I am a child of the most perfect and Supreme being, and you are too. He created me, He knows me intimately, He hears me, and He loves me more than I can comprehend. He sees all, knows all, and is in control of everything. I love Him. I am filled with gratitude for His mercy, love, and embrace.  

I know that Heavenly Father only wants what is best for me, so I can conclude that this Nauvoo thing is not what is best, and I'm okay with that. He heard my prayers, He knows my heart, and He has blessed me with this disappointment to make room for something even better. I keep moving forward because I know in whom I have trusted. I'm excited to pursue other goals and interests, and I can't wait to see what other paths are available for me to explore.

Goonjeeyah

The adorably sassy two year-old girl that I'm living with calls me "Doonjeeyah" :) Isn't she precious? I've heard several mispronunciations of my name, but this is an original one...and probably my top favorite.

I'm all about being positive, but goodNESS I need to get out of this darned house. This body was not created to sit at a computer all day. Let me vent for just a second: filling out job applications is one of the worst activities I've been forced to endure. First of all, one online application on average takes me 30 minutes or more to fill out! Really Quicksilver, you're a clothing store, don't take yourself so seriously. Do you really need to contact 3 references, and do you really need to ask me 25 questions about my skills and qualifications that relate to being a mere cashier!? Seriously people, just tell me what key words I need to type so your computer filtering system will select my application so I can finally get an interview and start working! I now have complete sympathy for bread-winners who are forced to job-hunt for months and never land upon success. Looking for a job is a most tedious, humbling, and depressing chore.

okay, I'm done.

Other than trying fruitlessly to find a job, and having no places to go or things to do, I'm extremely happy. I feel like a lazy, good-for-nothing bum, but my soul is at peace. I've never been this content about where I am living until now. Have you ever physically and literally felt that where you are is exactly right where you should be?  Man, if you've never experienced this feeling, I hope you'll be able to experience it sometime in your lifetime! This is the first time that I have felt this way and aaaahw (imagine my breath visually vaporizing in the freezing air) I feel fabulous. There may not be a specific reason why I'm here, and part of me doubts there is one. But honestly, if the only reason for me being here is because it makes me happy, then I am so totally delighted about that.

The first time I fell in love with Provo was in July 2009. M and I spent 2 weeks in Utah; the first week was mostly spent in Springville with her family, and the second week was spent at BYU as we attended "Especially For Youth." Before then, I had always heard great things about Provo, and I was curious to know if I would enjoy it as much as everyone else, but I refused to ever live there.
Utah is too inundated with people of the same religion. This creates a major problem because church is taken for granted, and being blessed with the gospel is no longer a blessing or privilege, it's thought of as an inherent part of life. Along with that, Utah has been known to be in a "bubble." Meaning that the culture here is completely separate from the rest of the world.

I just experienced an example of this last night. I was driving home in my car and "The Lazy Song" by Bruno Mars (one of my favorites) came on. I pumped up the volume and started jamming out, but my singing stopped when I noticed an entire line was removed from the song! In every radio version I have heard, the word "sex" is bleeped out of one particular line. However, apparently in Utah bleeping out one word isn't good enough, because the entire line was edited out of the song! It totally threw off my groove. Don't get me wrong, I completely support editing music so it is clean and uplifting but that's not the point I'm making. Only in Utah, only in this "bubble" would an entire sentence be removed from a song. My point is, generally speaking, a person who is born and raised in Utah is likely to have an inaccurate and misconstrued concept of what the world is like. In my opinion, Utah is extremely sheltered compared to the rest of society.

Anyways, you just need to understand that until July of 2009 I was convinced that Utah was the last place on Earth I would ever want to live. I specifically remember my feelings changing when I was on the plane back to Arizona. As I looked out the thick foggy window, through patches of florescent clouds, my heart melted and my eyes began to mist with almost-tears. "Goodbye, Utah, I miss you already.....Wait. What? Andrea, what just happened to you?" From that pivoting moment in that small uncomfortable airplane chair, until now in this cozy basement couch, my heart has desired to live in this magical place. So you see, this move has been years in the making. I never would have guessed that I would be living in Provo, shoveling snow, not attending college, but here I am. Oh, life is splendid.

I guess Utah isn't so bad, after all.