I Hope They Call me on a Mission

As you all know, I'm in the process of filling out mission papers for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. YAY! On Wednesday I have my first doctor's appointment and within the next week I plan on going to the dentist. The last thing I need to do is pose for a picture in my new missionary outfit!!! It's happening, this is really happening.

This whole process has been a little too natural and easy; I feel like I need to be going through some changes and making adjustments, similar to when a mother starts nesting before her new child arrives, but I'm not. So over the last few weeks, I've been searching online and going through blogs, trying to get in the "missionary" mode. I've been specifically trying to find advice from returned sister missionaries about how to prepare for a mission. What should I study? What should I wear? What activities should I participate in? Are there any little tips that will give me a jump-start, or help me avoid problems? Are there any things I need to get in order, that I haven't thought about yet? I don't know if this is a woman thing, or a human thing, or an Andrea thing, but I want to know how other people have done it, just to make sure I'm doing it right. Through my search, however, I've come to the conclusion that I don't care what other women have done, and I don't care if by anyone else's standards, I'm doing it all wrong. I can't get excited about the cutesy crafts, or care packages, or fancy stationary, or the trademark clothes. I can't relate to the memes, or blogs, or poems. It's just not me. I've never enjoyed that silly, fluffy nonsense because to me, none of that matters. I love the quote by Mother Theresa that says "in the final analysis, it is between you and God: it was never between you and them anyway." It's true. I feel like this whole mission thing, and the events leading up to it have been so uniquely personal.

I remember when I was 19, most, if not all, of my friends were gone serving missions and I was stuck at home trying to find a job. I was so bitter. There was nothing I wanted more than to be serving as a full-time missionary for the church. I was angry that I had to wait two more years until I could go. It didn't seem fair to me that I had to focus on marriage instead of a mission. Of course now looking back at the last two years, I know with all of my heart that I never needed a name tag to be a witness and a messenger of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Every time I try to overwhelm myself with study materials, and lists of things to memorize, a small voice whispers "Andrea, you know enough." or "Andrea, the preparing has already been done." I'm just starting to see that maybe, in His wisdom and omniscience, Heavenly Father has been creating me into the person I need to be for this mission thing. You know, I bet He knew long long ago that this would happen, that I would make this decision for myself, and so He's been planning for this and preparing me to serve. I have to trust Him. I have to trust that the experiences I've had and the people I've met have been just what I've needed to qualify for this responsibility. I feel horrendously unworthy, and exquisitely inadequate to be an effective servant of the Lord. But at the same time I know that "by small and simple things are great things brought to pass."(Alma 37:6) And so my hope is that the Lord can take my weak yet willing heart and hands and use them in His marvelous work.   

To answer the question I receive most often, I'll say that I have always (for as long as I can remember) wanted to serve a mission. It's been a dream of mine for years, but I never thought it would actually happen. I'm not going because I have nothing better to do, because I cancelled school and housing contracts I had already signed in order to do this. I'm not serving a mission because that's what is expected of me. Although being single at 21 is not what I had anticipated, this is not a reason why I'm going either. I'm going because sharing the restored gospel of Jesus Christ is the most important thing in the world to me. I'm going because I want all of my brothers and sisters to live with the same joy and happiness that I've been fortunate enough to live with. I'm going because I am eternally indebted to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and the least I can do is dedicate 18 months of my life to building their kingdom. I'm going because no other experience will better prepare me to lead, love, and nurture my children in righteousness. I'm going because the world is in need of men and women who aren't afraid to declare the truth and testify of Christ. The bottom line is, I love my Savior Jesus Christ and I want to do this for Him.

And to answer the second most popular question, I don't care where the heck I get sent to serve. I have the freedom to choose where I want to live and serve for the rest of my life. In fact, this freedom has already taken me to Texas, Utah, and Washington. If there's a place I want to go, then I'll pack up and go. But for this one and only time in my life, Heavenly Father is deciding where I'm going and I have no say whatsoever in any of it. So my golly, I'm ecstatic! Send me anywhere and I'll be happy! It's the same in every city; there are people to love, souls to save, hands to lift, hearts to touch and work to be done.  

My Northwest Escape

After watching The Bachellorette season finale, I was itching to find out more about Jef's business that he owns. (and maybe look at more pictures of the hunk) Thanks to this grand invention called the internet, I found the People Water website and discovered all sorts of interesting things! Did you know that this company donates half of its revenue to build wells and provide clean drinking water to 3rd world countries!? Doesn't that make you want to buy bottled water exclusively from them? I became so anxious to give clean water to the world, that I searched for stores that sell "People Water." Of course, there's only one place here in Dallas that carries it, and that's Whole Foods Market. I had never been there before, so it was going to be an adventure!

What happened on this adventure came as a surprise; I fell in love. So you see, what happened was, I stepped between the parting glass doors, took a deep breath of the chilled, produce scented air, and smiled at the spectacular view before me. But then, my attention was drawn to my right where a tall, dark, and handsome man stood with a fresh locally-grown bouquet of flowers in his hands and a charming smile on his face. "My love, where have you been all my life?" he said. And then he swooped me off my feet into his arms and we rode off toward the sunset on his horse. Just kidding. That guy doesn't exist, and even if he does, I didn't fall in love with him at Whole Foods.

However, the falling in love part holds true. I absolutely LOVE Whole Foods! I have found my "Northwest" away from the "Northwest." I completely forgot I was still in Texas while being in that building! How glorious! Don't get me wrong, I love Texas, but I really love Washington, it's like a part of my soul or something. So I walked in, and I was practically jumping with delight. I did not hold back my enthusiasm either; there were full on giggles and gasps and giant grins the entire time I was in there...which was probably about 30 minutes. The workers there kept watching me because I didn't buy anything (the Allen location doesn't carry People Water) but I walked around the store at least 3 or 4 times. I was beyond happy. They carry all of the items I loved buying in Washington! Like milk without hormones, cage-free eggs, organic chips, local honey, all-natural meat, locally-grown cheese and fruit and vegetables, fresh herbs and spices, raw cooking ingredients, and so so so much more! For a while I just stood in an aisle and imagined I was back in Puyallup, only 30 minutes away from Mt Rainier and 40 minutes away from the city. Awhhh, it was heavenly. haha okay, I'm exaggerating, but only by a little bit. 

So if any of you have ever wondered what it's like to live in the magnificent Northwest, take a trip to your local Whole Foods Market, and just imagine being surrounded by that culture 24/7. That's the joy of the organic-all-natural-eco-friendly Northwest.

Next time I'm having Washington withdrawals, or I need an escape from good ol' Texas, I know where to go, thank goodness! :)

Look Not Behind Thee

We all know the story of Lot's wife, right? She lived in a very wicked city that was on its way to destruction. So the Lord commanded her and her husband, Lot, to "escape for thy life; look not behind thee, neither stay thou in all the plain; escape to the mountain, lest thou be consumed." 
With some doubt and hesitation, Lot left for the hills, but unfortunately his wife 


"looked back from behind him, and she became a pillar of salt." Genesis 19:26


I've been thinking about this a lot lately, I really mean, a LOT. (I just made a pun, haha) 
*funny side story: as a child when learning from the Bible and Book of Mormon stories, I would always identify with "the good guys" but slowly through life experiences I've realized that I'm much more similar to "the bad guys" than I ever thought. I can't help but laugh because I'm relating to Lot's wife whereas before, I thought I only related to righteous and obedient Lot.
When I was in Washington selling security systems, let's be honest here, I was struggling. Each morning I would wake up and pray that everything from the day before could be erased and forgotten, so that my current day could be filled with hope and success. After a few weeks of this pattern, I began to get extremely frustrated, almost angry with myself. I thought "how pathetic am I? I can't do a single thing right, not even for one day! My efforts are insufficient; I have to start anew every morning! Why can't I just have two consecutive days of greatness? Is that impossible!?" A few days later, as I was reading general conference talks, a certain quote by Jeffrey R. Holland zapped my heart and changed my attitude.

"Every day ought to be the start of a new life. Such is the wonder of faith, repentance, and the miracle of the gospel of Jesus Christ."

Oh my gosh! Are you telling me that what I've been doing is exactly how it's supposed to be? Am I really doing things right?? Because this entire time I've felt like all I do is try and fail, try and fail repeatedly. And does this mean that the wonder and majesty of the infinite atonement of Jesus Christ has been imperceptibly working in me each and every day!? I'm flawed, broken, foolish, and desperately in need of a "new life" each morning; and you're telling me that this is how Heavenly Father wants me!?! 
HALLELUJAH!
I put that quote up on my bathroom mirror and read it to myself each morning. Then, anytime I started to think negative thoughts about myself or my situation, I would repeat those words in my head, and believe them. This made all the difference.
Currently, I'm not in Washington anymore, and I'm not facing failure and rejection every day like I was, but I'm still in desperate need of a "new life" every morning. 
You know, this is one of the things I love most about Jesus Christ- he's our creator. First he's our physician, because he takes us and clears out the pain, heals our broken heart, patches up wounds, and stitches us up real good. But the atonement doesn't end there. We're promised that we can have a new life, not an erased one. With humility and submissiveness, which I'm still working on, Jesus Christ can create us into something glorious and beautiful; someone a little more like Him. 
"Come, follow me" He says. Change. Progress. Improvement. It's a miracle, indeed.
But faith and repentance aren't accomplished without heavy opposition. Lot's wife and I can both attest to that. For every thought that says "I can do this, I will move forward and stay hopeful." The antagonist pipes in and says "look at my track record, there's no hope for me. I'm good at failing, I'm not good at succeeding. Why don't I stick with what I'm good at?" It's a constant fight to feed the thoughts of faith and hope. There are times when it's easy to give in to that evil destructive voice. Because giving in requires no effort, no faith, and no work. I hold no judgement against Lot's wife because I understand what she went through.  It can be hard to let go of the habits you're used to, or the friends you love, and the sins that are easy. But I've learned for myself that looking back and longing for the past-whether it be yesterday or 10 years ago is-a flat-out sin because it denies the reality and miraculous power of my Savior, of His sacrifice, and His personal atonement for me. Faith is not a passive thing-it's an arduous leap and a straight up climb. Faith comes in and says "sure, what I had was great, it was comfortable and familiar. But what Heavenly Father has prepared for me is more than I can possibly imagine. So I'll let go. I'll shut that door and continue to walk forward, celebrating that I have a bright future- regardless and completely irrelevant to my past. And when doubt creeps in again and again, I'll look it straight in the eye and say 'I will trust and be not afraid, for the Lord Jehovah is my strength and my song." 

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.” 

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Success

Hello again blogging world,
Well, this is awkward. I've always struggled with the beginning of conversations, paragraphs, stories, etc. Don't you ever wish you could just jump right into the middle of things? I do.
This is not at all how I expected things to turn out, but here I am, packing up my things to head back to Texas, back to live with my parents, quitting my job early, and preparing to serve a mission. My thoughts and feelings are jumbled and confusing. Again, I have to tell myself that change is good, and doing what I'm afraid of is what I live for. These past 2 1/2-3 months have felt like 4 years, and now this door is shutting. I'm trying not to let myself panic.
My fear of failure has crippled me my entire life. It has prevented me from improving myself, from trying new things, from asking for help, and from participating in so many wonderful endeavors. But I know I'm not alone in this. Every human being has the same two biggest fears in common: failure and rejection. It's like these fears are embedded in each person's DNA. Okay, so maybe I'll never be able to eliminate my fear of failure, but I've definitely made significant progress toward that direction.
When I signed up for this job, my definition of success was "reaching your goals." and it looked like 50 grand. Well my friends, I'll tell you that I did not earn the $50,000 I was hoping for; I didn't even come close to it. However, I am not a failure, and I have experienced a summer full of success.
How can that be? Because what I earned in wealth does not represent, or even compare to what I've developed in character.  
I now understand the concept that I'm sure my parents have been trying to teach me for years. Success can not be seen or measured from the outside. It can not be given a grade, or a number, or a title, or a salary. Success is as unique as we are all individual. Therefore, it can not be compared. Success is not always prosperous, and it is never perfect. Success is small and quiet and humble.  
I no longer set goals to achieve them. I set goals to work, to learn, and to keep trying. It goes along with the theory that life is not a destination but a journey. And success can be claimed in every step.


“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and to endure the betrayal of false friends. To appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know that even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.” 
-Ralph Waldo Emerson