Update

I have been slacking in my personal journal and blog lately, and for that I apologize- to my readers, but mostly to myself. I've realized that when big emotional happenings occur in my life, whether they're negative or positive, I fail to write about them. I think the reason behind this is that I'm too overwhelmed with living, that sitting down for a minute to record  what's going on is totally not appealing to me. If something sad or depressing is going on, I'm certainly not in the mood to write about it. On the other hand, if I'm in the middle of something fantastic and upbeat, then I definitely don't want to take a time-out from enjoying the fantastic-ness. What I'm left with is a relatively boring daily-log that skips significant portions of time. Based on this, and the disappearance of posts, you can rightfully conclude that events of major significance have recently occurred in my life. I will update you on one of these major events...    


Monday December 26th was one of the suckiest days of my life. I was a mess: completely depressed and lonely and sad and discouraged and all things bad. I cried after Skyping with my family....and basically just kept crying. I felt dark and confused about a whole lot of things. All I could do was pray, cry, pray, ponder, and cry some more. I'm a believer in healthy complaining sessions, as long as they end with an action plan. So I told Heavenly Father my struggles and pain, but I wanted a plan, so I told him what I want in my life. I came up with something that looked like this:

Purpose

Fulfillment

Challenging

Adventure

Passion

Gospel of Jesus Christ

Love

Talents

Service

Education

Memories

Family

Wife

Mom

Teacher

Volunteer

Explore

Travel

Creativity

Music

Leadership

Influence for good, love, and virtue

Meaningful relationships 

I was praying like crazy, pleading for inspiration and direction, but all I wanted was a Priesthood blessing. (The Priesthood is the authority and power given to man on earth. I believe that worthy men who have been given the Priesthood are capable of acting in God's name, under His authority. Priesthood blessings can be requested by a person who has faith, in hope to be healed, comforted, or given direction.) Unfortunately, I'm living in a new town and I don't know anyone who could give me a Priesthood blessing so I felt hopeless. 

At that moment of distress, my dad called me up and came to the rescue. He gave me some good counsel along with a pep talk. After hanging up, I felt better, but he gave me no solutions whatsoever...so I was still frustrated.

Tuesday night I drove up to Salt Lake City to see one of my bestest friends, Kayli. (I love her so much, she's amazing in every way.) She was in Utah visiting for the week. We had dinner, talked for hours, then checked out the Salt Lake temple lights. I ended up sleeping over at her Grandparent's house with her because I didn't want to make the hour and a half road trip back to Provo at such a late hour. Both sets of her grandparents were there, and her mom. They were all super super sweet and nice and welcoming. 

In the morning, Grandpa L gave Grandpa T a priesthood blessing. Of course, I cried like usual because the spirit was so powerful but I was extra emotional because I wanted a priesthood blessing so terribly bad. 

Several hours later I was alone in the kitchen with Grandpa and Grandma L. Struggling, I eventually worked up the courage to say something like "Jay, I have a favor to ask of you. Well you see, my dad isn't here, and I don't know any men in Provo and" immediately his eyes teared up, he grabbed my hand and said "bless your heart, I would love to give you a blessing." As you can imagine, I was all water works. Grandma L graciously walked over and gave me the kind of hug that can only come from a grandma...there was lots of love going on in that house. 

OKAY SO THEN I received one of the sweetest most sacred Priesthood blessings of my life. Through this experience, I am able to more fervently testify that Heavenly Father is intimately involved in our lives, and He loves us more than our minds can comprehend. Heavenly Father's love and warmth was exponentially present in that living room. It was amazing. Kayli's mom took notes for me so I can keep the promises, blessings, and counsel forever. Again, lots and lots and LOTS of love was shared in that cute little house. Grandpa L even "adopted" me as a granddaughter. He is so sweet. 

As I drove home, I was on cloud 9, or maybe even higher...I was so happy. I went to my computer immediately after getting home and looked up "Provo College." I had been to the Provo College website at least five times previously but I had never noticed the PTA (physical therapist assistant) program before. I felt impressed to set up an appointment with the counselor. About 10 minutes later, Kayli called and said "Hey! What do you think about selling security systems in Seattle this summer?" As she said that, the spirit overwhelmed me with warmth and goodness. My heart practically exploded from my body! "Oh my gosh! Yes!" I exclaimed. She briefed me with some info as I tried to find every reason to talk myself out of it, but I could not ignore the revelation Heavenly Father was sending me to DO IT. If it's at all possible, I became more elated than before. I felt incredible! That night, Kayli slept over at my house and we researched as much as we could about Seattle.

On Thursday I met with the counselor at Provo College about the PTA program. Again, I was inundated with the spirit. My heart and mind were filled with peace, hope, and confidence.There is no doubt in my mind that the Lord has led me to this exact place, at this precise time, to make these wonderful decisions.  

It is my testimony and witness that Heavenly Father is knocking at the door, waiting for us to take a few steps of faith and let Him in to our lives. He is the Father of our spirits and He is closer than we suppose. My life is palpable evidence that He is loving, merciful, powerful, and all-knowing. I testify that we do not have to feel dark and burdened, because the Light of the World has invited us to "come follow me." Through the atonement of Jesus Christ, our lives may be filled with joy, peace, and light. The power to choose rests in our hands. 

I've realized now more than ever before that Heavenly Father is always near us, always watching, always concerned, and always protecting us. He doesn't make mistakes, and He never forsakes us. He's there in times of sadness and darkness. He allows us to struggle, sin, and feel alone or miserable because He knows those are the things that shape us into exactly who we need to be. He hates to see us struggle, He hurts when we hurt. But He allows it to happen because those are the ways He softens, breaks, molds, and shapes us into the gods and goddesses we're destined to be. He wants us so desperately to become like Him, and that is precisely why He blesses us with pain and trials. 
Furthermore, you are never ever for a second alone in pain or grief, because the Lord Jesus Christ has literally walked through your wine press. He knows perfectly and intimately exactly how you individually feel. There has never been a person in the history of mankind that understands and has experienced the infinite, retched, blood-spilling anguish that Jesus Christ endured. You are NEVER alone.
I am grateful for this past season in my life when I felt scared, confused, discouraged, worthless, and so completely alone. I am grateful for the times I prayed without ever feeling like I got an answer because I know that it was during those times that the arms of my Father in Heaven were wrapped around me. I'm grateful to be the daughter of the most loving, perfect, powerful, and wise Father in the universe. I know that when my life is in His, hands, everything will be heavenly. By heavenly, I do not mean easy, rather beautifully divine.