Update

I have been slacking in my personal journal and blog lately, and for that I apologize- to my readers, but mostly to myself. I've realized that when big emotional happenings occur in my life, whether they're negative or positive, I fail to write about them. I think the reason behind this is that I'm too overwhelmed with living, that sitting down for a minute to record  what's going on is totally not appealing to me. If something sad or depressing is going on, I'm certainly not in the mood to write about it. On the other hand, if I'm in the middle of something fantastic and upbeat, then I definitely don't want to take a time-out from enjoying the fantastic-ness. What I'm left with is a relatively boring daily-log that skips significant portions of time. Based on this, and the disappearance of posts, you can rightfully conclude that events of major significance have recently occurred in my life. I will update you on one of these major events...    


Monday December 26th was one of the suckiest days of my life. I was a mess: completely depressed and lonely and sad and discouraged and all things bad. I cried after Skyping with my family....and basically just kept crying. I felt dark and confused about a whole lot of things. All I could do was pray, cry, pray, ponder, and cry some more. I'm a believer in healthy complaining sessions, as long as they end with an action plan. So I told Heavenly Father my struggles and pain, but I wanted a plan, so I told him what I want in my life. I came up with something that looked like this:

Purpose

Fulfillment

Challenging

Adventure

Passion

Gospel of Jesus Christ

Love

Talents

Service

Education

Memories

Family

Wife

Mom

Teacher

Volunteer

Explore

Travel

Creativity

Music

Leadership

Influence for good, love, and virtue

Meaningful relationships 

I was praying like crazy, pleading for inspiration and direction, but all I wanted was a Priesthood blessing. (The Priesthood is the authority and power given to man on earth. I believe that worthy men who have been given the Priesthood are capable of acting in God's name, under His authority. Priesthood blessings can be requested by a person who has faith, in hope to be healed, comforted, or given direction.) Unfortunately, I'm living in a new town and I don't know anyone who could give me a Priesthood blessing so I felt hopeless. 

At that moment of distress, my dad called me up and came to the rescue. He gave me some good counsel along with a pep talk. After hanging up, I felt better, but he gave me no solutions whatsoever...so I was still frustrated.

Tuesday night I drove up to Salt Lake City to see one of my bestest friends, Kayli. (I love her so much, she's amazing in every way.) She was in Utah visiting for the week. We had dinner, talked for hours, then checked out the Salt Lake temple lights. I ended up sleeping over at her Grandparent's house with her because I didn't want to make the hour and a half road trip back to Provo at such a late hour. Both sets of her grandparents were there, and her mom. They were all super super sweet and nice and welcoming. 

In the morning, Grandpa L gave Grandpa T a priesthood blessing. Of course, I cried like usual because the spirit was so powerful but I was extra emotional because I wanted a priesthood blessing so terribly bad. 

Several hours later I was alone in the kitchen with Grandpa and Grandma L. Struggling, I eventually worked up the courage to say something like "Jay, I have a favor to ask of you. Well you see, my dad isn't here, and I don't know any men in Provo and" immediately his eyes teared up, he grabbed my hand and said "bless your heart, I would love to give you a blessing." As you can imagine, I was all water works. Grandma L graciously walked over and gave me the kind of hug that can only come from a grandma...there was lots of love going on in that house. 

OKAY SO THEN I received one of the sweetest most sacred Priesthood blessings of my life. Through this experience, I am able to more fervently testify that Heavenly Father is intimately involved in our lives, and He loves us more than our minds can comprehend. Heavenly Father's love and warmth was exponentially present in that living room. It was amazing. Kayli's mom took notes for me so I can keep the promises, blessings, and counsel forever. Again, lots and lots and LOTS of love was shared in that cute little house. Grandpa L even "adopted" me as a granddaughter. He is so sweet. 

As I drove home, I was on cloud 9, or maybe even higher...I was so happy. I went to my computer immediately after getting home and looked up "Provo College." I had been to the Provo College website at least five times previously but I had never noticed the PTA (physical therapist assistant) program before. I felt impressed to set up an appointment with the counselor. About 10 minutes later, Kayli called and said "Hey! What do you think about selling security systems in Seattle this summer?" As she said that, the spirit overwhelmed me with warmth and goodness. My heart practically exploded from my body! "Oh my gosh! Yes!" I exclaimed. She briefed me with some info as I tried to find every reason to talk myself out of it, but I could not ignore the revelation Heavenly Father was sending me to DO IT. If it's at all possible, I became more elated than before. I felt incredible! That night, Kayli slept over at my house and we researched as much as we could about Seattle.

On Thursday I met with the counselor at Provo College about the PTA program. Again, I was inundated with the spirit. My heart and mind were filled with peace, hope, and confidence.There is no doubt in my mind that the Lord has led me to this exact place, at this precise time, to make these wonderful decisions.  

It is my testimony and witness that Heavenly Father is knocking at the door, waiting for us to take a few steps of faith and let Him in to our lives. He is the Father of our spirits and He is closer than we suppose. My life is palpable evidence that He is loving, merciful, powerful, and all-knowing. I testify that we do not have to feel dark and burdened, because the Light of the World has invited us to "come follow me." Through the atonement of Jesus Christ, our lives may be filled with joy, peace, and light. The power to choose rests in our hands. 

I've realized now more than ever before that Heavenly Father is always near us, always watching, always concerned, and always protecting us. He doesn't make mistakes, and He never forsakes us. He's there in times of sadness and darkness. He allows us to struggle, sin, and feel alone or miserable because He knows those are the things that shape us into exactly who we need to be. He hates to see us struggle, He hurts when we hurt. But He allows it to happen because those are the ways He softens, breaks, molds, and shapes us into the gods and goddesses we're destined to be. He wants us so desperately to become like Him, and that is precisely why He blesses us with pain and trials. 
Furthermore, you are never ever for a second alone in pain or grief, because the Lord Jesus Christ has literally walked through your wine press. He knows perfectly and intimately exactly how you individually feel. There has never been a person in the history of mankind that understands and has experienced the infinite, retched, blood-spilling anguish that Jesus Christ endured. You are NEVER alone.
I am grateful for this past season in my life when I felt scared, confused, discouraged, worthless, and so completely alone. I am grateful for the times I prayed without ever feeling like I got an answer because I know that it was during those times that the arms of my Father in Heaven were wrapped around me. I'm grateful to be the daughter of the most loving, perfect, powerful, and wise Father in the universe. I know that when my life is in His, hands, everything will be heavenly. By heavenly, I do not mean easy, rather beautifully divine.

Silence

I've had many many hours to myself within the last month and I've discovered that there are many different kinds of silences that are unique unto themselves.

Some of the ones I love:
-Thick dense silence in a dark, enormous cave
-Silence as I pray in my car
-The silence and peace felt in the Holy Temple
-Closing my bedroom door from hours of cries, screams, and craziness.
-The silence after a dance party, long after tinnitus in my ears has stopped
-The silence in a library
-Silence around a campfire
-Silence while I'm reading the Holy scriptures
-The silence in Arizona, as the blazing sun slides under the horizon
-The shock and silence of earth and nature recovering from a monsoon
-The brief silence between the end of an emotional song and the audience's applause
-The crashing sound of the Pacific shore, you may disagree, but it's silent and still to me
-In the morning, snuggled under my covers, daydreaming in sweet silence
-A long, warm, and comfortable silence between me and an old, familiar friend
-Silence while I'm studying

The ones I hate:
-Silence as tests are being handed out in school, and hearts are thumping
-When I have something I desperately need to tell someone, but I can't, because I'm scared, and all I hear are my words repeatedly pounding in my head, and silence...because the other person is waiting, or thinking, or doesn't know what's going on in my head, so they don't ask, and I don't speak.
-Silence while alone in a big, empty house 

What Matters Most

I know I only have four followers, but to you four I ask you to please tell your loved ones how you feel about them, regardless of how long or short it has been since you last did so.

They need to hear it, and you need to express it.

My thoughts and prayers are with my Opa tonight. I received tragic news that doctors have found stage 4 cancer cells in his liver that have spread to his brain. Needless to say, his time in mortality is coming to an end. Part of me wishes that he will soon be relieved from the pain and misery he's currently in. And another part of me, the selfish part, wants him to hang in there until all of my family members, including myself, can say goodbye. And then there's yet another selfish part of me that grieves knowing that my husband and children will never get to meet him. Since I was a little girl, I hoped that my family would be able to meet him, at least once. Maybe my children will be there to greet him when he passes to the next life?...that's a comforting thought.

I anxiously look forward to visiting the temple tomorrow, for that is where the veil between this world and the next is the thinnest. I've never experienced death this personally before, and it's going to take heaven's help to stay strong through this.

Opa is one of the most distinctive people I have ever known. He's stubborn as heck, pridefully opinionated, and passionate. One thing I love most about my Opa is his laugh. Not the belly laugh he exudes when he's baffled by someone's stupidity, and not the silent one he uses when he's laughing at something clever Oma said from the kitchen. I love his loving, lighthearted laugh that escapes from him when his granddaughter gently tugs at his heart-strings, but he's too manly and prideful to admit it. I'm beating myself up for never taking a video camera with me to California to capture his fiery personality and life stories forever. He likes food, cleanliness, debating, yard work, sports, consistency, and being right. I think he is quite remarkable. It's going to take missionaries as high strong as he is to convert him to the gospel...they'll probably have to be German.  

I love you, Opa, and I'll miss you; but I know that we will meet again.

Food for thought

My friend shared with me some things that her Economics teacher lectured about. I loved it, I thought it was gripping, and his advice supported my recent thoughts almost perfectly.

For happiness and self-fulfillment:
1. Fall in love with something. Find a subject, hobby, or interest you love and get passionate about it! Let yourself spend time and money on it, invest love into it.
2. Women- don't make sitting at home as a house-wife your goal. Pursue an education. Men- you want the mother of your children to be educated, because she's the one who will have the most influence on them.
3. Feed the hungry, visit the lonely, and clothe the naked.
4. Participate in regular community service.
5. Become learners, risk-takers, and adventure-seekers.
6. Give generously to charity funds.

I believe this professor is wise in his counsel. He is a father of seven children, an Economics professor at BYU, and a Church Educational System Instructor. He got a degree in Business Management or something boring like that, but while he was in college he fell in love with Medieval Architecture. What an interesting man.

SAT time

I was an idiot in high school and decided not to take the SAT or ACT to prepare for college. What was the point of spending money on a test that I didn't need to take? My "logic" was that I was going to be a Hairstylist for the rest of my life, so I didn't need to go to a college or university. 

WRONG.

Now that I've been out of high school for two years, I am DYING for some good-old-fashioned-sit-in-a-desk-and-listen-to-a-lecture education!!! Working and saving money for a year was mediocre, but I am literally aching to stretch my mind and expand my knowledge. This hunger to learn has become so intense that I actually enjoyed solving some sample SAT math questions the other day!
Miss Andrea "I hate math" S. actually treasured doing math!!!!
The problems were difficult and tedious for my left-dominant brain to process, but it felt so good. It's almost as if I could feel neural connections being awakened in my brain.
Oh if I could only be back in a classroom frantically scribbling notes again, if I could only go back to burying myself in text books, study guides and flashcards, if I could only experience the stress of Finals again! What do I have to give? I am willing to go knee-deep into debt for these things, I want them so intently.
In the future, I may regret saying this, but I don't care about getting a degree. I don't care about choosing the most job-applicable major. I just want to go to college! I want to learn!
So what's the first step toward a college education? The ominous SAT. I'll be taking it on January 28th-wish me luck! In the meantime, I'll be studying like a mad woman. If you need me, I'll be in the library :)

Blessings

Since I'm using this blog for many different purposes, this post is written more for my personal history than for anything else, so please don't think that I'm begging for a pity party- that's not what I want.

Last night and this morning I had a persistent feeling that my rejection email from Nauvoo Productions was coming soon. In actuality, ever since I mailed my audition DVD, I had a feeling I would receive a rejection email from them, but I continued to pray and tried to keep an open mind.

Lo and behold, two minutes upon waking up this morning, my phone went "la da ding ding ding" announcing that I have a new email. "There's my Nauvoo letter." I thought with confidence.

There was a big part of me that tensed up like a little kid on Christmas morning and I hoped that my feelings had been wrong, and I would be asked to audition again in Salt Lake. I quickly tapped my fancy smart phone to get to my inbox.

I realized that I had indeed been rejected when I read the following:

Dear Andrea,

Thanks so much for applying to be a Young Performing Missionary in Nauvoo, Illinois.  You are wonderfully talented, and we applaud your desire to use your talents in the service of the Lord.

This year Nauvoo Productions received close to 150 applications, from which we were able to select only 20 for the Summer 2012 mission.   As you can imagine, the selection process was extremely difficult. Although we’re not able to include you in this year’s group, we encourage you to consider applying again next year.

Thanks so much for your interest, and for your willingness to serve.

We wish you the very best!

Sincerely,

Elder and Sister Wortley

Nauvoo YPM Coordinators

My first reaction was of course disappointment. I wanted this more than....I've wanted most things. I can't put it into words. You'll just have to trust me when I say that my heart strongly desired to be a Young Performing Missionary in Nauvoo; serving the Lord and sharing the gospel through music. So much so, that I swallowed my pride and asked for help and prayers as needed. I wanted it bad enough to work and pray and practice. Something you have to know about me, is that I never ever practice. If I'm not performance ready the first time, then I give up. So the fact that I practiced for this audition is proof that I truly wanted to make it with all of my heart. So I was disappointed, but that feeling didn't last long because it was immediately replaced with fruits of the Holy Spirit: hope, peace, and love.

My next thought was "darn, now I have to share this with everyone like I promised." But I couldn't do that until I expressed my gratitude in a fervent prayer, because that's what this whole shebang has been about.

You see folks, what I doubtlessly want to share, what really matters here is that God lives. I am a child of the most perfect and Supreme being, and you are too. He created me, He knows me intimately, He hears me, and He loves me more than I can comprehend. He sees all, knows all, and is in control of everything. I love Him. I am filled with gratitude for His mercy, love, and embrace.  

I know that Heavenly Father only wants what is best for me, so I can conclude that this Nauvoo thing is not what is best, and I'm okay with that. He heard my prayers, He knows my heart, and He has blessed me with this disappointment to make room for something even better. I keep moving forward because I know in whom I have trusted. I'm excited to pursue other goals and interests, and I can't wait to see what other paths are available for me to explore.

Goonjeeyah

The adorably sassy two year-old girl that I'm living with calls me "Doonjeeyah" :) Isn't she precious? I've heard several mispronunciations of my name, but this is an original one...and probably my top favorite.

I'm all about being positive, but goodNESS I need to get out of this darned house. This body was not created to sit at a computer all day. Let me vent for just a second: filling out job applications is one of the worst activities I've been forced to endure. First of all, one online application on average takes me 30 minutes or more to fill out! Really Quicksilver, you're a clothing store, don't take yourself so seriously. Do you really need to contact 3 references, and do you really need to ask me 25 questions about my skills and qualifications that relate to being a mere cashier!? Seriously people, just tell me what key words I need to type so your computer filtering system will select my application so I can finally get an interview and start working! I now have complete sympathy for bread-winners who are forced to job-hunt for months and never land upon success. Looking for a job is a most tedious, humbling, and depressing chore.

okay, I'm done.

Other than trying fruitlessly to find a job, and having no places to go or things to do, I'm extremely happy. I feel like a lazy, good-for-nothing bum, but my soul is at peace. I've never been this content about where I am living until now. Have you ever physically and literally felt that where you are is exactly right where you should be?  Man, if you've never experienced this feeling, I hope you'll be able to experience it sometime in your lifetime! This is the first time that I have felt this way and aaaahw (imagine my breath visually vaporizing in the freezing air) I feel fabulous. There may not be a specific reason why I'm here, and part of me doubts there is one. But honestly, if the only reason for me being here is because it makes me happy, then I am so totally delighted about that.

The first time I fell in love with Provo was in July 2009. M and I spent 2 weeks in Utah; the first week was mostly spent in Springville with her family, and the second week was spent at BYU as we attended "Especially For Youth." Before then, I had always heard great things about Provo, and I was curious to know if I would enjoy it as much as everyone else, but I refused to ever live there.
Utah is too inundated with people of the same religion. This creates a major problem because church is taken for granted, and being blessed with the gospel is no longer a blessing or privilege, it's thought of as an inherent part of life. Along with that, Utah has been known to be in a "bubble." Meaning that the culture here is completely separate from the rest of the world.

I just experienced an example of this last night. I was driving home in my car and "The Lazy Song" by Bruno Mars (one of my favorites) came on. I pumped up the volume and started jamming out, but my singing stopped when I noticed an entire line was removed from the song! In every radio version I have heard, the word "sex" is bleeped out of one particular line. However, apparently in Utah bleeping out one word isn't good enough, because the entire line was edited out of the song! It totally threw off my groove. Don't get me wrong, I completely support editing music so it is clean and uplifting but that's not the point I'm making. Only in Utah, only in this "bubble" would an entire sentence be removed from a song. My point is, generally speaking, a person who is born and raised in Utah is likely to have an inaccurate and misconstrued concept of what the world is like. In my opinion, Utah is extremely sheltered compared to the rest of society.

Anyways, you just need to understand that until July of 2009 I was convinced that Utah was the last place on Earth I would ever want to live. I specifically remember my feelings changing when I was on the plane back to Arizona. As I looked out the thick foggy window, through patches of florescent clouds, my heart melted and my eyes began to mist with almost-tears. "Goodbye, Utah, I miss you already.....Wait. What? Andrea, what just happened to you?" From that pivoting moment in that small uncomfortable airplane chair, until now in this cozy basement couch, my heart has desired to live in this magical place. So you see, this move has been years in the making. I never would have guessed that I would be living in Provo, shoveling snow, not attending college, but here I am. Oh, life is splendid.

I guess Utah isn't so bad, after all.